What’s your inner ‘dating dialogue’ and how might it be affecting your love life?

What’s your inner ‘dating dialogue’ and how might it be affecting your love life?

There’s a great Ralph Waldo Emerson quote: “Life consists of what a person is thinking about all day” This is true for one’s life in general -including one’s dating life.

Our thoughts become a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. We meet our own expectations as do other people! It’s as if the Universe is a giant copy machine that multiplies what you put in. Your thoughts turn into words which express as actions and it’s as good as hitting a big ‘print’ button. Your worst fears come true, you keep attracting the wrong kind of guy and it all seems like one un-ending Ground Hog Day experience!


I’ve heard clients say things like this about their dating lives:

  • I’m flypaper for freaks
  • I’m not the kind of girl that guys approach
  • I HATE dating
  • All the ‘good’ men are taken


And, when I was younger, I’ve thought things like this about my dating life:

  • I just don’t have time to date
  • I’m awkward when it comes to flirting
  • I’m not enough (pretty enough, thin enough, etc) to get the guy I really want – so I’ll settle for ‘good enough’


I said out loud once in front of a coaching colleague, “I just don’t have the time to date” and he responded that he wasn’t surprised I wasn’t in a relationship. At first it seemed a bit harsh, but once I took a moment and thought about it, I realized – he was right. If that is what was playing on ‘repeat’ in my mind then, of course, I never questioned it and therefore didn’t make the time to date or create a relationship. My inner dating dialogue was definitely having a detrimental effect on my love life.

I started to examine and question more of my inner dating dialogue that seemed like ‘fact’ only to discover that it was more like ‘fear-based-fiction’. Once I became conscious of the dating scripts that were running on repeat, I had the choice to keep believing them and keep living my life in reaction to what I thought was ‘real’ OR create a new dating dialogue that was actually in service of finding my Mr. Right.

I practiced focusing more on what I was up to creating for my relationship of the future and less on my dating past or what I perceived as dating obstacles in the present. At one point, I literally declared out loud in the presence of a close girlfriend that “This is my year for LOVE and I will find my Mr. Right!” And you know what? I did!!! This subtle shift in focus kept me moving forward and didn’t give any energy to my old thought patterns. As I adopted this new mindset, I started to think, speak and act according to my ‘year of love declaration’ and it led me to my Mr. Right!


Single to Smitten Challenge:

Do you identify with any of the inner relationship dialogue examples above? Try to name 3-5 more of your own. Remember, these won’t feel like just a ‘dialogue’ it will seem like ‘just the way it is’. It will feel real and factual and you’ll have evidence to back up your dialogue like examples from your dating history. BONUS: Create a new script. Make over one of your old thoughts and practice thinking, speaking and acting in alignment with this new belief. Ex) I just don’t have time to date – to – I always make time to date.

Speak Your Mind