What’s your inner ‘dating dialogue’ and how might it be affecting your love life?

What’s your inner ‘dating dialogue’ and how might it be affecting your love life?

There’s a great Ralph Waldo Emerson quote: “Life consists of what a person is thinking about all day” This is true for one’s life in general -including one’s dating life.

Our thoughts become a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. We meet our own expectations as do other people! It’s as if the Universe is a giant copy machine that multiplies what you put in. Your thoughts turn into words which express as actions and it’s as good as hitting a big ‘print’ button. Your worst fears come true, you keep attracting the wrong kind of guy and it all seems like one un-ending Ground Hog Day experience!

 

I’ve heard clients say things like this about their dating lives:

  • I’m flypaper for freaks
  • I’m not the kind of girl that guys approach
  • I HATE dating
  • All the ‘good’ men are taken

 

And, when I was younger, I’ve thought things like this about my dating life:

  • I just don’t have time to date
  • I’m awkward when it comes to flirting
  • I’m not enough (pretty enough, thin enough, etc) to get the guy I really want – so I’ll settle for ‘good enough’

 

I said out loud once in front of a coaching colleague, “I just don’t have the time to date” and he responded that he wasn’t surprised I wasn’t in a relationship. At first it seemed a bit harsh, but once I took a moment and thought about it, I realized – he was right. If that is what was playing on ‘repeat’ in my mind then, of course, I never questioned it and therefore didn’t make the time to date or create a relationship. My inner dating dialogue was definitely having a detrimental effect on my love life.

I started to examine and question more of my inner dating dialogue that seemed like ‘fact’ only to discover that it was more like ‘fear-based-fiction’. Once I became conscious of the dating scripts that were running on repeat, I had the choice to keep believing them and keep living my life in reaction to what I thought was ‘real’ OR create a new dating dialogue that was actually in service of finding my Mr. Right.

I practiced focusing more on what I was up to creating for my relationship of the future and less on my dating past or what I perceived as dating obstacles in the present. At one point, I literally declared out loud in the presence of a close girlfriend that “This is my year for LOVE and I will find my Mr. Right!” And you know what? I did!!! This subtle shift in focus kept me moving forward and didn’t give any energy to my old thought patterns. As I adopted this new mindset, I started to think, speak and act according to my ‘year of love declaration’ and it led me to my Mr. Right!

 

Single to Smitten Challenge:

Do you identify with any of the inner relationship dialogue examples above? Try to name 3-5 more of your own. Remember, these won’t feel like just a ‘dialogue’ it will seem like ‘just the way it is’. It will feel real and factual and you’ll have evidence to back up your dialogue like examples from your dating history. BONUS: Create a new script. Make over one of your old thoughts and practice thinking, speaking and acting in alignment with this new belief. Ex) I just don’t have time to date – to – I always make time to date.

What’s Keeping You from Meeting Mr. Right?

What’s Keeping You from Meeting Mr. Right?

 

The answers are closer than you think.

Here’s the deal. Your ‘Mr. Right’ is out there right now…probably wondering where you are, and one of the most important things you can do on your journey from being Single to Smitten is to get out of your own way and into his arms! BUT – in the meantime, there’s work to do.

So what’s in the way between you and him right now? Time, Space, Opportunity…maybe, but I assert the biggest thing in between you and him might be, well…YOU.

Stick with me here. I know it’s not always easy to take a look at yourself and much easier to spend an evening complaining with girlfriends that there are no ‘good men left out there’, but that’s a copout. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there and everyone can use a good venting session to cleanse the system. But, the fact is that your Mr. Right is out there – right now…so what gives? Why haven’t you met him yet? Rumi pointed to what might be keeping you from meeting Mr. Right when he said:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”-Rumi

What I think he’s saying is that there is love all around you, potential ‘Mr. Rights’ are everywhere. The place to begin your journey from being Single to Smitten might be in taking an honest inventory of yourself to see not if but what barriers you might have built against the possibility of meeting your ‘Mr. Right’. Make no mistake – these barriers are like belly buttons – we all have them (I did too!) and they can show up like:

  • Limiting Beliefs (Ex: There are no ‘good’ men left to date, or I’m not the kind of girl that guys approach)
  • My Mr. Right has to come from this region, educational background, profession
  • Being attached to dating a certain ‘type’ of guy
  • Income Level requirements
  • Physical characteristics you’re fixated on
  • Only meeting him a certain way (Ex: Like through mutual friends, at work, etc.)
  • Fear of intimacy and letting someone truly get to know all of you – the good, bad and the ugly
  • Body language that says, ‘Stay Away’ or ‘Approach with Caution’

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with having these, they’re simply obstacles that might keep you from allowing your ‘Mr. Right’ in. The worst thing to do is to ignore them – that’s the only way they can impede you. Once you shine a light on them you can choose whether you will continue to allow them to be in the way or let them go.

 

Single to Smitten Challenge:

Take an honest inventory of yourself and get clear about what barriers you might have built up against finding love. (Hint: some of these barriers might be in your ‘blindspot’ so I suggest you come up with a list yourself and then ask 3-5 of your closest friends what they think some of your barriers to meeting Mr. Right might be – and give them permission to tell you the truth – they will. Compare the two lists and see if there is any overlap? Did your friends point out something you didn’t already know or see in yourself?