Are you willing to let go of Mr. “Right Now” in order to find Mr. “Right”?

Are you willing to let go of Mr. “Right Now” in order to find Mr. “Right”?

It’s so easy to end up staying in a relationship or relationships because they’re familiar and comfortable, but by holding on to Mr. “Right Now” you might be keeping yourself from being open to meeting your true Mr. “Right”.

In college, I had a long-term on and off again boyfriend and by most measures we had a great relationship. There was communication, trust, common interested, love and affection and lots of laughter. Every summer I’d head off on a grand adventure to do volunteer work, study abroad etc. Sometimes I’d meet someone new, break up with my long-term boyfriend, date and question our relationship, but in the Fall I always headed back home to college and my significant other…and we’d always get back together. I mean, he’s such a great guy and we had history together. It was like coming ‘home’ in more ways than one, but that comfort and familiarity also contributed to my becoming complacent about finding my true Mr. “Right”.

Over several years, our lives, families, and friends became so intertwined that even when I started to realize that it wasn’t the relationship I knew I truly wanted, I didn’t know how to ‘un-integrate’ our lives and still live in the same city. So, after college I accepted an amazing volunteer position overseas and decided to make a once-and-for-all transition to end this comfortable and familiar relationship. It wasn’t easy, but taking this step and putting distance between us created the space for me to reconnect to who I was and what I truly wanted.

After arriving back home two years later, I’d dated other guys, he’d moved on and there were new possibilities in the air. My willingness to let go of this secure good-for-now relationship in service of what I was really committed to took a leap of faith, but it was just what I needed to move me forward.

After a dating dry-spell I fell into the trap of another better-than-nothing dating relationship out of sheer loneliness which while exciting soon fizzled out and brought me back to the realization that my real path was finding my Mr. “Right” and not just another Mr. “Right Now”.

This is when everything changed. I’d let go of my long-term serious relationship and now ended my casual dating relationships with what I affectionately termed my ‘back-burner-boys’. You know, the guys you call on for a casual date, knowing full well that it’s not going anywhere long-term. Once I cleared out my Mr. “Right Nows” there was space for me to focus on meeting my Mr. ” Right” and shortly thereafter, I did, but I had to be willing to let go of my past relationships to embrace my future.

 

Single to Smitten Challenge:

Check in with yourself about your current relationship. Are you with a Mr. “Right Now”? Would you be willing to give him up in service of finding your Mr. “Right”? OR, do you have a bevy of casual ‘back-burner-boys’ that you call on when you’re lonely and just want to go out and have fun? Would you be willing to stop relying on them as ‘quick fixes’ in order to find your one-and-only Mr. “Right”?

What’s your inner ‘dating dialogue’ and how might it be affecting your love life?

What’s your inner ‘dating dialogue’ and how might it be affecting your love life?

There’s a great Ralph Waldo Emerson quote: “Life consists of what a person is thinking about all day” This is true for one’s life in general -including one’s dating life.

Our thoughts become a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. We meet our own expectations as do other people! It’s as if the Universe is a giant copy machine that multiplies what you put in. Your thoughts turn into words which express as actions and it’s as good as hitting a big ‘print’ button. Your worst fears come true, you keep attracting the wrong kind of guy and it all seems like one un-ending Ground Hog Day experience!

 

I’ve heard clients say things like this about their dating lives:

  • I’m flypaper for freaks
  • I’m not the kind of girl that guys approach
  • I HATE dating
  • All the ‘good’ men are taken

 

And, when I was younger, I’ve thought things like this about my dating life:

  • I just don’t have time to date
  • I’m awkward when it comes to flirting
  • I’m not enough (pretty enough, thin enough, etc) to get the guy I really want – so I’ll settle for ‘good enough’

 

I said out loud once in front of a coaching colleague, “I just don’t have the time to date” and he responded that he wasn’t surprised I wasn’t in a relationship. At first it seemed a bit harsh, but once I took a moment and thought about it, I realized – he was right. If that is what was playing on ‘repeat’ in my mind then, of course, I never questioned it and therefore didn’t make the time to date or create a relationship. My inner dating dialogue was definitely having a detrimental effect on my love life.

I started to examine and question more of my inner dating dialogue that seemed like ‘fact’ only to discover that it was more like ‘fear-based-fiction’. Once I became conscious of the dating scripts that were running on repeat, I had the choice to keep believing them and keep living my life in reaction to what I thought was ‘real’ OR create a new dating dialogue that was actually in service of finding my Mr. Right.

I practiced focusing more on what I was up to creating for my relationship of the future and less on my dating past or what I perceived as dating obstacles in the present. At one point, I literally declared out loud in the presence of a close girlfriend that “This is my year for LOVE and I will find my Mr. Right!” And you know what? I did!!! This subtle shift in focus kept me moving forward and didn’t give any energy to my old thought patterns. As I adopted this new mindset, I started to think, speak and act according to my ‘year of love declaration’ and it led me to my Mr. Right!

 

Single to Smitten Challenge:

Do you identify with any of the inner relationship dialogue examples above? Try to name 3-5 more of your own. Remember, these won’t feel like just a ‘dialogue’ it will seem like ‘just the way it is’. It will feel real and factual and you’ll have evidence to back up your dialogue like examples from your dating history. BONUS: Create a new script. Make over one of your old thoughts and practice thinking, speaking and acting in alignment with this new belief. Ex) I just don’t have time to date – to – I always make time to date.

Are you ready to meet “The One”?

Are you ready to meet “The One”?

Start by practicing this dating strategy MUST.

I’ve been married for over 3 years now and I know for sure if I hadn’t practiced this one vital dating strategy while I was looking for my Mr. Right – I would have missed out on meeting the love of my life. This dating strategy must is: BE OPEN!

I know this sounds nice and simple in principle, and I thought I was being open, but like many of my girlfriends…I was only ‘being open’ within the confines of what I thought was my ‘type’ or with ways I’d met men in the past. So, once I accepted that I could practice being more open – I realized that this was going to be an ongoing choice.

In practicing being open to new people and ways to meet men, I tried online dating. I had always met men the ‘traditional’ way…through school, work, mutual friends etc. so, stepping out and trying it was a stretch for me. And from what I hear from some of my clients and single girlfriends, I’m clear there’s a lot of ‘online dating-angst, overwhelm and burnout’ out there, so I’m not saying that online dating is THE way to meet your Mr. Right. It’s only ONE of many ways/venues to Manifest Your Man.

The first man to contact me had an o.k. profile, but I couldn’t really get a sense of him from his pictures etc., so I replied to him with a polite “I don’t think we’re a match” note and moved on. Several false starts, phone conversations, emails and one Bridget-Jones-scale-in-person-meeting-debaukle later (Visualize me crying over my sushi in a restaurant with my girlfriend rubbing my back to console me about the disappointment of meeting yet another Mr.-Not-So-Right-After-All), I thought it was time to reflect. I got clear about what I’d learned and remembered what I was committed to with this whole online dating adventure in the first place and that was to BE OPEN.

Open to new ways to meet men, open to different kinds of men etc. and I suddenly realized that I’d never really been open to getting to know the first man who contacted me. So, I decided out of sheer commitment to BEING OPEN – really being open – to leave no stone unturned and check back in with him.

Despite the awkward ‘remember me?’ – email I sent to see if he was still single and/or interested in getting to know me, he replied and he did remember me, was currently single, and still open to getting to know each other. Long story short, after many emails, long hours on the phone, in person visits and an international move, we got married and I am madly in love with my husband – THE ONE I would have definitely missed out on if I hadn’t practiced BEING OPEN.

So single ladies – What does this mean for you?

It means there’s an opportunity to ask yourself if you’re really BEING OPEN to the men who are currently in your life, to meeting new one’s who aren’t, or who you otherwise wouldn’t typically consider dating.

 

Single to Smitten Challenge:

Reach out or respond to a man, or men, you wouldn’t normally be open to dating and get to know him/them anyway. Go on that date, join that website, try out speed dating, hire a matchmaker, take/make that phone call, write that email and what develops may surprise you. Either way, you’ll have the peace of mind that you didn’t let any ‘missed opportunities’ pass you by.